Ask Dirk! #5
Monday 28 August 2000

Before we begin, let's thank today's help. Today's laughs are brought to you
through the generous assistance of Eric Faires, Nick Puzak, Andrew Duthie,
Dennis Bitner, and indirectly, Mayor Corky Reed.

OK, so they're off...I'll let Adam or Eddie or whoever bore you with the
details of the rally's doings and choices for today and tomorrow.  The
highlight to me is the riders having the opportunity to "Get their Asses
Kicked" at the "World's Only Ass-Kicking Machine".  This is definitely something
I should have and am probably way overdue for, but I ain't going near it.
The thought of riders having to travel to Mayberry RFD to get their hair cut
by Floyd the Barber for bonus points makes me laugh out loud... ...all together now...
"Ooh, Ooh Andy!!!!"...these TeamStrangers are sick I tell you.

The other thing that really amuses Eddie is finding themes for a ride...like
today's Elvis! Elvis! Elvis! route.  Obviously predictable stuff like Graceland
and Tupelo will figure in, but where we really need to look at is the "Elvis! is
Still Alive!!!" Museum in Wright City Missouri, and even better to me, Holly
Springs, Mississippi's local freakin' NUT-CASE Paul McLeod who has turned his
P.O.S. home into a Elvis! Shrine named, appropriately enough, "Graceland Too".
Notice the stunning array of ten years worth of Christmas trees planted in
buckets of cement along the house. Feast your eves on the fact that he PAINTED
all the live trees around the house WITH A PAINTBRUSH!!!! Marvel at the
estimated 15,000 TV Guides, each one hi-lighted and paper-clipped on every page
that mentions Elvis!  Elvis! Posters, Elvis! Cut-outs, Elvis! lamps...  all
available at the museum THAT NEVER CLOSES!!!  That's right...they claim tours
are available 24 hours per day.  And if ol' Paul's not there, don't worry.  His
ONLY son, ELVIS AARON PRESLEY McLEOD will be more than happy to show you
around...yes indeed, all I could think about the whole time I was there was
"when do they pull out the knives and kill me."

These people are absolute loonies and it does me good (as opposed to last week
when Kristi did me well) to know that many ButtLite riders will experience them
firsthand...at about 2 am.

Anyway, the key to the ride is doing all 4 Elvis! locations (including the Wright
City location) to cash in on the Elvis! Elvis! Elvis! Superbonus...would you
go to Wright City Missouri for 40 points? You have to in order to make the
route work. If you screw it up and don't get the rest though, you went all that
way for nothing.

Be the hero...or be the goat?   Screw that, I wanna be Elvis!...the lotsa
chicks and drugs part..... not the dying on the john part......

See you next time..........and it's gonna be a great one!!!

Dirk "Elvis!" Diggler

e-mail me your chick's photo at: askdirkdiggler@hotmail.com

and p.s....oh, never mind.

*note*  Elvis! should be a registered trademark of someone. With enough wackos
in the world being so obsessed about this dead mf'r, he rightfully deserves the
exclamation point after his name...Elvis!...see? just like that.  If you're
one of the morons that are this obsessed about this loser, we collectively
advise you to get a life.


..........."Hey man, Elvis was a fuckin' humanitarian, that's what he
was...every drug he took meant that there was one less drug on the street
that a 13 year old could get their hands on..........
he was doin' it for us man,.........for the children................"
                                .......sid vicious

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