Rallymaster’s Report by Adam Wolkoff
Hi. Its me. Your friend, the Rallymaster. You know, the guy who stays up late, trying to think of ways to fuck with your shit. The guy who looks forward to pitching your sorry ass from the rally, just for the sheer hell of it. Well I’m really not such a bad guy after all. OK, so I have this crazy motorcycling obsession. I like to knock down miles. I like people who like to knock down miles. What better place for me than the Minnesota 1000? This here’s my Rally Journal. OK, so I’m doing the whole thing after the fact, but if you can’t stand that bit of artistic license, then you’d better leave now. Its sure not going to get any easier for you.
So lets get started already. I’m not going to take you through the whole process of planning and executing the MN1K. For one, explaining the mysterious process by which Eddie James turns cities, towns and assorted oddness into bonuses would take too long to write about, and I just don’t have that kind of time. For two, its all secret shit anyway, so if I told you, I’d have to kill you. Like I said, I’m too busy for that. So, instead, I’ll offer you some highlights from the seventh running of the best twenty-four hour endurance ride of which we know, the Minnesota 1000.
We handily break the World Record. This year’s Minnesota 1000 offered an added twist: the opportunity to set a new world record. In order to become a member of the Ironbutt Association, a rider must ride a minimum of 1000 miles in twenty-four hours or less over a verified course. This ride is known as a “Saddlesore 1000.” The Ironbutt Association also recognizes group completion of the Saddlesore ride. The record for a group Saddlesore was first set in this country by the Cognoscenti Group out of Nevada, with 64 riders. Earlier this year, an organization in Texas had over eighty riders complete a group Saddlesore.
None of this was any concern to TeamStrange, since we had long ago decided to trounce any existing achievement and set a new Group Saddlesore record during this year’s event. We are pleased to announce that our predictions of success came true with a vengeance. Of the 231 riders entered in the event, 144 completed the Group Saddlesore Course in twenty-four hours or less. Chants of “We’re Number One” and “We Still Hate Eddie” rang late into the night as riders celebrated the new World Record.
Some riders were so inspired by breaking the world record that they went on to complete the Ironbutt Association’s prestigious Bun Burner Gold ride (1500 miles in 24 hours). TeamStrange member Brent Bruns not only earned his Bun Burner, but shattered the previous course record by running over 1700 miles during the rally. Congratulations to Brent, who should be ready to sit down again sometime in late October.
How many people here cannot read English? Everyone always laughs when I ask that question at the Liar’s Banquet. I guess you’d be surprised at the vast number of people who can’t—or won’t read the stuff we give them. Happily, though, our years of pleading, prodding and proselytizing appear to be paying off: people are starting to figure out the secret of doing well on this event.
The key to successful endurance riding is not motorcycling ability. Hell, all you need to ride a motorcycle is the money to buy one. No, the secret to a successful Minnesota 1000 can be summed up in two words: reading comprehension. The whole rally turns on successfully completing various bonus requirements, all set forth in writing Lesson number one: Read everything carefully, and read it more than once. The points you save may be your own.
Our crack scoring team was saddened to find that opportunities for point shaving were fewer this year than on previous events. Veteran scorer Jon Diaz lept out from behind the scoring table to lead rookie rider Al Angen to the anticipated point slaughter. Minutes later, Diaz sat dejected and Angen cracked a wide grin. Not a single point taken away. All it took was a bit of reading.
You will see this material again.
Endurance: a multifaceted term. As a veteran Minnesota 1000 rider, I know this is a tough event, even on a rally-prepped ST1100. Imagine running the rally on a chopper! After two unsuccessful attempts, Keith Efron rode his chopped Triumph across the finish line, to the loud cheers and applause of the assembled riders and spectators. I ran into Keith at the Ma’s Cycle bonus, where he was busy changing a broken speedo cable. He promised me he’d finish with over 1000 miles, and he was as good as his word.
When considering rally results, there is an understandable tendency to focus on the hardware—who took home what trophy. I’m going to suggest that the real story of the Minnesota 1000 isn’t necessarily told by something as crass as total points. What makes this rally great is that it provides any rider willing to enter the opportunity to think a little bit harder, ride a little bit farther, and to expand and explore personal limits. In this context, every rider savors his own achievements; no other reward is needed or sought. I’m taking my helmet off to every rider who has set a new personal best, or beaten some previously insurmountable obstacle during the event.
Time for a Group Hug. Every year, at the end of the rally, we swear that this is the last MN1K we’re going to do. Every following year, we find ourselves saying the same thing. We keep coming back because the riders keep coming back. Without this great group of riders, there is no Minnesota 1000. We remain extremely grateful for your support and encouragement. As the man says, “Until that time…”